I received a troublesome phone call this morning from a dear friend. He was calling to warn me that this “isolation” or “quarantine” thing was much worse for us alcoholics than we had already thought. He disclosed to me that a fellow alcoholic with 30+ years of recovery who was active in A.A. just relapsed. My friend encouraged me to spend more one on one time, either on the phone or by video, with those I hold close to me in recovery. When I got off the phone, I thought for awhile about what isolation does to people in general. Then I thought about how I felt before I got sober.
I remember the feeling very well. I was hopeless, I felt alone, and I was afraid that I would be stuck in that feeling. The only solution was to get high or drunk. I could be in room full of people and I still feel alone. Others may have felt connected to me, but I did not feel connected to them. I was very young when I went to my first AA meeting, and even then, I knew it was home. As uncomfortable as I was, there was something very special about that place. When I went to my first Enthusiastic Sobriety meeting for young people, I felt loved, important, understood, and most importantly, hopeful. Over the next 28 years, I have been a part of and shared something truly amazing. The sense of fellowship, laughter, connection, camaraderie, and society that has truly changed my life. The 12 steps have truly shaped my life and shifted my perspective. I’ve gone from a living hell of loneliness to a life of gratitude and hope. From the ultimate self-centeredness to a life of service.
As I reminisced, I thought about the popular AA slogan- “never alone again”. Something clicked in me. I looked up the word isolation on Google and got the following definition:
Isolation – “without relation to other people or things; separately.”
I then opened the big book app on my phone and searched for the word isolation and was surprised to see that it is never mentioned. I then decided to look up the solution – fellowship. Turns out, the word is mentioned and repeated in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous 52 times. This may be a clue to its importance. Just a couple examples follow:
“We are people who normally don’t mix. But there exist among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful.” Page 17, There is a Solution.
“It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you.”- Page 152, A Vision for You.
As a recovering alcoholic and drug user in the time of COVID-19, I’m forced to connect to people in a different way than I’m used to. Honestly, I do not like it. I prefer hugs and face to face connection. Maybe I struggle because I have practiced this for such a long time that it has become a way of life for me.
A friend said something to me the other day that I have not been able to shake. He said, “You know we have been doing this reach out and turn people onto sobriety thing for a long time. We have by definition become experts at it! {having great knowledge and experience}.” While my friend’s statement is true, I am not an expert at being sober, reaching out, finding fellowship while being in isolation. None of us are!
What happened? The phone has become a thousand pounds again. I get high anxiety when attending video meetings, for fear of being called on. I feel like no one will understand this feeling. Why do I have to go through this? This sucks, how am I supposed to do this for another day, much less another freaking month or 3? I am afraid that it’s not going to get better. As I looked for the words to describe this phenomenon, another friend called. He said, “You know that the entire world is going through a version of this right? None of us have ever been through a pandemic before. Everybody, I mean everyone- doctors, teachers, parents, young people, old people etc. everybody is now living with a new normal.”
Damn. He is right. This really challenged me to look at what solutions I do have, since I’ve been stuck feeling sorry for myself without even realizing it.
Hmmm. Okay, I will give it a shot.
A few program tools that I have learned over the years are as follows;
Name it, tame it, claim it. Allow me to explain:
We are experiencing the stages of grief in our way of life currently
First, I think that it is pretty safe to say that what I am going through is some sort of grief. When this all started, I was in some intense denial. I did not believe on any level that what is happening in the world today was even a possibility, much less a reality. As my denial began to break and I began to realize that this pandemic was actually happening and that people I care about are going to be affected, I got more afraid. This fear eventually turned into anger. My anger grew over time. When the order came down that we were no longer allowed to hang out in large groups, I got scared all over again. My fear became a reality when they closed the doors of recovery meetings and churches all over. As my fear grew, so did my anger. The idea of isolation scared the crap out of me. I have spent the last 28 years fighting my desire to isolate. Isolation on a spiritual and emotional level is very bad for me and a lot of people that I care about!
I found myself trying to bargain with reality. I tried to convince myself that closing the doors of meetings was not the best for all concerned. Unfortunately, it was. As my fear and anger grew, I began to receive the consequences of not truly turning it over. I found myself being snippy and reactionary towards those I love. I was moping around and inconsolable. This is not who I am nor who I want to be.
I was truly depressed, lonely and afraid. I was allowing my thoughts to run the show in “this thing called life” (Prince). I was not using the tools given to me by 12- step programs:
“Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today” Page 417, Alcoholics Anonymous.
There is a pandemic. For some it is an inconvenience, and for others, it is a tragedy. I am afraid, but I must remember that my fear only has the power that I give it. My fear was so loud that I forgot that I have the power to change my thoughts. Consider the following:
I remember being in drug and alcohol treatment and being convinced that I did not have the power to change my thoughts. First, I was asked to find a thought and hold onto it. That was easy. Then I was asked to describe how a lighter works, what happens when you turn on the light switch? what color would I use to describe the sky? How much did my beeper cost monthly? (yes, I just gave up my age, I’m old.) What kind of car did I drive? What was my dream vacation? This was followed by about 20 other questions that I felt were stupid and pointless. Finally, I was asked to recall the thought I was supposed to hold onto. I actually had to think about it! It was then pointed out to me, that I had changed my thoughts over 25 times in less that 5 minutes. Wow!
My argument was “what about the first thought? I did not have power over that!” It was explained to me that I was correct. While I did not have power over the first thing that comes to mind in reaction to an event, everything I think about after the first thought is my choice.
What does changing our thoughts in recovery have to do with the current COVID-19 situation?
My anger is hurt and fear, most of which I have already discussed. The bargaining that I did was to try and avoid accepting reality. The depression is because, my entire world has changed. It is sad and it is scary. Acceptance does not fix what is happening in the world today, but it helps me get my power back.
I spoke with another friend, and she was relating to everything that I have been writing about. When I look on social media, I see that these feelings are not just my feelings. They are not just feelings of the alcoholics and addicts. They are mutual feelings of most of the world.
Our physical, emotional, spiritual and financial security has been rattled, leaving us vulnerable and insecure. The world is freaking out and those of us that choose to participate feel the fears and insecurities leaking all over the place. Is it safe to go to the grocery store? What if I do not get a paycheck? How will I pay my mortgage and feed my family? What if I get sick? What if someone in my family gets sick? Why the hell won’t my parents stay home? FEAR!
In Enthusiastic Approach programs like The Crossroads Program, the second step is “We found it necessary to stick with winners in order to grow.” I find this even more important right now considering, the negative energy that is among us.
I always talk about the fact that I do not like to go out in public around the holidays because the energy levels of others affects me. The extra stress about money, or getting the perfect gift, some people get more self-centered and treat each other poorly. During those times of year, I just try and stay away, because if I do not, I tend to take it on. This is also why I attend more meetings around the holidays. The feeling in the rooms is just more positive than what’s going on in the world.
Well now, going to the grocery store feels so spooky. Walking down the street feels eerie. Driving anywhere is just strange. The feelings in the air are not happy, joyous, or free. Because I am so affected my surroundings, I have to be aware of these things. I find it is easier for me to be negative and thrive in the chaos than it is to be positive. The news is not a “winner” for me, I get more and more fearful the more I watch it. Social media is the same way – it’s nearly impossible to navigate away from the negativity.
Now maybe more than ever before, I have to rely on friends that will challenge me to grow and help me to be the person that I want to be. I have to feed my “good dog” to remain sane, even though my “bad dog” is sometimes more fun to feed.
Nobody actually knows what is going to happen and that in itself is pretty scary.
Luckily, I am an addict and alcoholic
Yes, I said luckily! For the last 28 years in my sobriety, I have been learning and practicing the tools to manage fear. I can work a program with this. After all, self-centered fear is the root of most of my problems today.
In Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 76 (7th step) states:
“The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear- primary fear that we would loose something that we already possessed or would fail to get something that we demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration…
The Seventh step is where we make the change in our attitude which permits us, with humility as our guide, to move out from ourselves towards others and toward God.”
This is why compassion and empathy for others is so important, especially in these times. People may be more sensitive, afraid, insecure and their defects of character may be a little louder. I know mine have been. I not only need to be a little easier on my family, friends and co-workers, I need to be a little more (or maybe a lot more) gentle with myself.
The Solution
I may not be an expert on the 12 steps during a pandemic. I may not be an expert at getting my needs met or meeting the needs of others during times of forced isolation. I do not have all of the answers, but I am confident that if we put our heads together, and remain teachable, we can do this together.
I do know how to walk through fear. I know how to pick up the thousand-pound phone. I know how to reach out to others and get my needs met. I know how to be honest, open-minded, and willing. I know how to not feel sorry for myself. I know how to deal with my fear and anxiety. I can be real, honest, and vulnerable, even if it is uncomfortable. I know how to be a good friend. I know how to reach out to my friends when they are in a time of need. I can attend online meetings and events. I can have compassion for others, since everybody deals with fear differently, and chances are most of us have some fear. Having compassion for others is a good thing for me. I can learn how to create fellowship and camaraderie online. I can put my creative energy to good use.
I know that the newcomer is the most important person in the virtual room. I can lead with what I know works. The question is, am I willing to use the tools that I have?
I am, I have to be. It is what has saved my life. Are you?
If you are in recovery, I also encourage you to think about what it would be like to get sober in this time period. Think back to how hard it was to pick up the phone or walk through the door to the rooms of recovery meetings. Remember how hard that it was to ask for help? Do you recall the feeling of warmth and welcoming? Yes, it may have been uncomfortable, but do you remember feeling “home”?
If you are a parent, grandparent, sibling or family member of someone who is now in recovery, do you remember how difficult that it was to intervene? To break thru denial? To confront the elephant in the room? Think back to those sleepless nights, when you could not trust that the knock on the door was not the police coming to tell you that your son or daughter was in a drug /alcohol caused car crash. Do you recall the lack of trust with your child?
I strongly believe that the newcomer needs others who have gone before them to help them feel more secure and welcome, help guide them through the steps, and to help them get some much needed relief. And most importantly, to help them find and keep hope. I believe just as strongly that we need those newcomers. They remind us of where we came from, they force us to not be self-centered, to have patience and they teach us empathy and compassion. Most importantly, they keep us connected to hope.
We need each other. We need to find ways to be grateful. We need connection. So yes, it may be scary to go to a virtual meeting. Yes, it may be scary to pick up the phone and talk to another alcoholic or parent of an abuser. Somebody (actually many people in most cases) reached out to you when you were new. If they did not, would you be were you are today? Think about how much harder it would be if you were new today. Go out of your way to help those newcomers feel welcome. Go out of your way to help others that you have connected with to continue to feel loved. Take care of yourself by reaching out and taking care of others. In a time of isolation, it feels pretty good to not think about yourself and get into others. Just like the 12-step programs have taught us.
The Crossroads Program is doing daily video meetings for young people in recovery and their parents. We are also providing weekend video functions. We are learning as we go. If you are a young person in recovery looking for some fellowship or a parent who needs some fellowship, please reach out to us. www.thecrossroadsprogram.com 636-532-9991 Chesterfield, MO 816-941-4000 Kansas City, MO
“We meet frequently so that newcomers may find the fellowship.” Bill’s story page 15